Only If You're Bored

1.What do you call a man in the sea with no legs?

A: Bob

2. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Ground beef

3. What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?

A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.

4. 15 ways to be annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call. 3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5) When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

Actual Instruction Labels
ON A HAIR DRYER: Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: Directions: Use like regular soap. ON A FROZEN DINNER: Serving suggestion: Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP: Fits one head. ON TESCO'S TIRAMISU DESERT: Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.) ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: Product will be hot after heating. ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: Do not iron clothes on body. ON BOOTS CHILDRENS' COUGH MEDICINE: Do not drive car or operate machinery. ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): Warning: may cause drowsiness. ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: Warning keep out of children. ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: For indoor or outdoor use only. ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: Not to be used for the other use. ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: Warning: contains nuts. ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

6. How is a computer like an air conditioner?

A: When you open Windows it won't work!

7. Drunk superhero joke

Two guys were sitting at a bar on the 40th floor of a skyscraper and were totally plastered.
The first guy said, ''Hey, I'll bet you a million bucks that I can jump out of this window, fly around the building, and land right here next to you!'' Being so totally wasted, plus hearing a completely impossible bet, the 2nd guy replied, ''YOU'RE ON!'' So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and came right back to the same spot. ''WOW,'' screamed the 2nd guy, ''That was incredible. Do it again!'' So the first guy jumped out of the window, flew around the building, and landed right next to his friend. ''That is remarkable. Do it one more time!"

''Ok,'' said the first guy, ''But if I do it again, when I come back you have to do it."
The second man agreed, and with that, once again, the first jumped out, flew around, and came back. ''Your turn,'' he said.

So the 2nd guy stepped up to the window. ''This is easy. He did it, so can I!"
The much pumped second man, took a deep breath, and heaved his body out the window. He fell straight to the ground and died instantly upon impact. Calmly the first man walked back to the bar and ordered another beer. The bartender remarked, ''You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman!'''

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